Contrast
This is one of those days where it feels like I’m playing hide and seek with tears and panic attacks. Just as I think I have things together WHAM something little knocks me completely off course.
These days always seem to happen after an exceptionally good period, as if I’m simply not used to the severity of the contrast. Which honestly, I’m not. My life was fairly uniformly sucky before I met my Sir and when worse things popped up it was pretty easy to take them in stride. Now that my headspace varies so widely, even small crappy things set me off like the world is ending. I’m left desperately grasping the strands of happiness that had cocooned me, comforting and safe.
It’s like I’m scared of becoming a butterfly…
Endurance
Sometimes I feel the biggest test of endurance my Sir puts me through is our social life. Not the beating, not the physical ownership and all that entails, but the severe reduction in downtime from what I’m used to due to being hostess to guests in our home as well as accompanying him out.
Some moments all I want to do in the world is to be snuggled up at his feet, dozing in and out of consciousness or reading a book. I feel those precious moments are already limited due to the fact we have a child. There’s just so much stuff we can’t do in public; even kink friendly places. And even when we have kinky friends over in private I’m too busy hosting to spin down. Part of it is jealousy (I want my Sir all to myself), part of it is simply exhaustion. Both fuel my desire to simply be home and take care of the house instead of being a working woman.
The whole thing just tears me apart. Sometimes I wonder if I really have enough strength in reserve to endure all of it.
Drifting
I feel lost without him. You’d think for all the time and energy he spends on me I’d be able to cope for a few hours without drifting off. I’ve never been a weak person. I’ve intentionally never allowed myself to be so vulnerable to anyone. I’ve always been in control of my self and my surroundings. To be completely at his mercy, to swallow my loneliness because I’m worried about his well being is an entirely new experience for me.
First in that I care so deeply about someone else. Don’t get me wrong, self sacrifice has always been a shortcoming of mine, but it was done primarily due to how little I valued myself, not because of how much I valued the recipient. I’ve made my path through life with friends I should never have tolerated, much less given so much of myself to, due to my lack of self worth. So believe me when I say it is a totally new experience to value myself and value someone else highly enough that I choose his happiness. Making him happy brings me unbelievable amounts of joy. I can’t imagine what it would be to not have those opportunities.
But also new is the sheer intensity of the loneliness. I’ve always preferred to be an introvert, reading books or exploring some park or whatnot. To have someone so intimate that I feel most at home when with him… It feels amazing, that is, until I’m left with relearning how to be alone. Somehow the quiet time that used to be most rewarding is saturated with yearning, my thoughts drifting readily back to him. Always to him.
Without Reservation: Balancing act
This is why I always feel that submission is a personal journey. Not one that most of us can take alone, but still personal in and of itself.
The balancing act that artofbabalon expresses so eloquently here is one I’ve struggled with personally. I’ve found that, for me, there’s sometimes a…
(Source: artofbabalon)
